that one time or how i lost my mind

"is that a hickey?"
steven brushes
my hair back
looks at my neck
"is that a hickey?"
saying yes would
really really
turn him on
but i say no,
dummy.

it's a track
you know
like from heroin
he looks at me
says "awww,"
like he just saw
something really
cute (like a baby
panda or a girl
with nice legs
and small tits
getting tied up).

i roll up the sleeves
of my hoodie,
say "see".

i guess we talk
for a while
or just sit there
on his bed then
we go to molotov's
and just sit there
or talk for
a while.

and steven gives
a girl his number
and i give him a
high five (but
that's not what this story is about).

i want him to
kiss me, no
i want him to want to
but steven is old
one year younger
than my dad when
he

and maybe that's why
i want it so bad.

i think he goes home
makes pancakes
or cereal, i go
with three guys:
ulysses, nick
and another one
to a house where we
drink miller highlife.

nick and the other guy
pass out so ulysses
and me, we walk
to my apartment
i give him a xanax
i take a xanax then
crush one up
on a book about
punk rock
and rail it.

we steal calalillies
from the neighbors
on the way back and
when we get there
i eat mushrooms
i find on the coffee table.

a lot of other stuff happens
like i go to the beach
sleep for 6 days
contemplate dropping
out of school

then

last night
steven kisses me
but only
because
i don't want him to.