an answer

i am haunted

by sunday morning

spiders crawling

up the walls

faces appearing

sunken cheeks

rotting flesh

gaping mouths

old timey mustaches

(you can’t choose

your hallucinations)

i am not numb

i am fucking terrified

i am crying on the phone

not making sense

i am swallowing

handfuls of benzos

mimosas, crack smoke

i’ll swallow anything

to kill the grief

my father’s manic blood

courses through my veins

i am perpetually

eleven years old

standing on the beach

(helicopters overhead)

and they’re telling me

he’s gone

it’s not something

you “get over”

it eats away

at my insides

some day

this thing

will climb out

(unzip me like

a frances suit)

covered in wounds

fresh ones oozing

all over the carpet

warts hair slime

guts spilling out

gurgling

screaming

“fix me”

but it will be too late

(on that day

you’ll understand

what it feels like

in here).

that one time or how i lost my mind

"is that a hickey?"
steven brushes
my hair back
looks at my neck
"is that a hickey?"
saying yes would
really really
turn him on
but i say no,
dummy.

it's a track
you know
like from heroin
he looks at me
says "awww,"
like he just saw
something really
cute (like a baby
panda or a girl
with nice legs
and small tits
getting tied up).

i roll up the sleeves
of my hoodie,
say "see".

i guess we talk
for a while
or just sit there
on his bed then
we go to molotov's
and just sit there
or talk for
a while.

and steven gives
a girl his number
and i give him a
high five (but
that's not what this story is about).

i want him to
kiss me, no
i want him to want to
but steven is old
one year younger
than my dad when
he

and maybe that's why
i want it so bad.

i think he goes home
makes pancakes
or cereal, i go
with three guys:
ulysses, nick
and another one
to a house where we
drink miller highlife.

nick and the other guy
pass out so ulysses
and me, we walk
to my apartment
i give him a xanax
i take a xanax then
crush one up
on a book about
punk rock
and rail it.

we steal calalillies
from the neighbors
on the way back and
when we get there
i eat mushrooms
i find on the coffee table.

a lot of other stuff happens
like i go to the beach
sleep for 6 days
contemplate dropping
out of school

then

last night
steven kisses me
but only
because
i don't want him to.